Six years ago was when I started having serious issues with insomnia and intense nervous system symptoms. I simply could not sleep. When I'd lay down, my entire system would go into this energy integration and I'd have VERY INTENSE and scary mystical experiences. It felt like a prolonged Ayahuasca journey but I was totally "sober". I often say there are no words to begin to even touch how extraordinary this experience was, but here it goes....
Chuck had the idea of going on a long hike so that I'd tire myself out and sleep. That's what these photos are from. The long hike still didn't work in aiding my sleep. I think this was the night I walked out the back door and screamed to the heavens because I couldn't sleep no matter what I tried. This resulted in the neighbors calling the cops and showing up at our door....
It wasn't until the following week or soon there after that our friend Rob was listening to me talk about what I was going through and he mentioned Kundalini Awakening. He had gone through one 20 years prior. And while he was gentle and cautious in bringing it up, it began to scare me.
That night, I did what one shouldn't do when going through this and went and hopped online to read about it. I quickly stopped as I notice it only intensified the crazy surges of energy I was feeling.
Within days, my fear and panic caused the Kundalini to kick into high gear. There was no escaping it and there was no stopping it. I was already on the most wild, and fucking intense ride of a lifetime...and hopefully I could hang on.
This was the beginning of a torrential, absolutely hellacious, and profoundly intense several years of my life. This was the beginning of my healer initiation - where I all but completely lost my ability to think, function, and be in this world. I almost lost my mind with periods of what some would call psychosis.
After 2 years of this constant state of panic (being stuck in fight or flight), getting no sleep (I didn't know humans could even continue to live), feeling vibrations and pulsating all through my body every moment of the day, my heartbeat constantly racing and beating erratically, chest tightness, seeing flashing lights and not being able to tell if the lights were off with my eyes closed, feeling intense spiritual energies at all times, losing the majority of my cognition, and constantly trying to hold onto any bit of my mind that was left - I eventually fell into debilitating chronic illness.
Just about everything I was used to doing, including meditating and just about any other spiritual practices intensified the experience - besides grounding my energy which is what I spent the vast majority of my time doing. I also couldn't be out and about around others as I was picking up on everything around me and this also intensified things. I was living moment by moment figuring it out and could not do much of anything. I could only be with what was in each moment. Turns out that suffering can be a great teacher.
But, I was left with the shell of a body that was only existing from day to day, with one foot in the grave. Most folks would likely have not endured. But, I knew if I held on, there was be pure gold at the end of it all. I just knew it. I also knew that my mind was perpetuating the suffering. As my fear grew, my symptoms just intensified as this energy was ripping through me. It was trying to purify me but I was so fucking scared of losing any more control that I did all I could to push it down and constriction is NOT helpful for moving energies through. I knew it was a losing battle, but I still fought it for a long long time. Nearly every semblance of familiarity of my world and myself was dissolving.
When folks talk about spiritual awakenings, sometimes they're referring to Kundalini. But let me tell you that there is nothing cute or subtle about these experiences. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I wished for deep healing on all levels. And eventually I absolutely got it, but I had no idea what the path would look like that.
And while I would never wish what I went through on anyone, today, I am SO deeply grateful for the initiation that resulted in the most absolutely incredible, healing journey I could have possibly gone on.
Here I am 6 years later and I have NO DOUBT that I was born for these times and that every single iota of pure hell I went through was to prepare me for this collective awakening. I am here to show the way and I am beyond honored and blessed. Let's do this!
AND, I am the luckiest woman on the planet to have had the incredible human known as Chuck by my side the ENTIRE TIME.